It’s been so long, I don’t know the proper way to start this thing. In the spirit of transparency and since I’m still learning to give myself grace, I’ll begin with honesty. November 30th came and went without “Winter” being released. My Beta reader became unavailable and I lost my nerve. I intended to put it out anyway but self-doubt and Imposter Syndrome joined hands and depression hit me hard. Normally, I fight my way through it but this was a different kind of beating and I’m still recovering. Although a kind person offered their time, the list of things already going wrong was too long to ignore.
Normally, I fight my way through it but this was a different kind of beating and I’m still recovering.
Being the type of person I am, I attempted to wear another hat but my head became too heavy. Despite that, I still pulled up my w.i.ps and pieces of paper to get to work daily. At the end of each day, I kicked myself for not making more progress than I had. There was one point I seriously considered deactivating all my accounts and walking away. I thought, who’d miss me? I haven’t released a book since 2021. Being on social media, I couldn’t stop comparing myself to others. Everyone else releases several books yearly and I could barely finish a chapter. My inner critic wouldn’t let me think it was anything other than trash. I couldn’t ask anyone to Alpha read without feeling like a burden. All my writer friends leaving the community was somehow my fault. I swore I wasn’t making new ones because I’m not on anyone’s level. Mainly, everything was working against me because I was dreaming too big. It sounds silly, however, with depression having that kind of grip on you, you’ll believe all your misfortunes are because of something you did.
When I woke up Saturday, something had shifted. Those negative thoughts weren’t gone but they weren’t as loud. I’m not feeling as burnt out or like I’m pushing myself for nothing. This being the first time in months since I felt a hint of peace, I pulled up my playlist of 90s and 00s R&B and spent the day getting this site back up. The entire time, I kept thinking about how I began. While I’d always had someone to read my work and provide feedback during those days, I didn’t pressure myself. I didn’t feel like I was letting anyone down or there was something to prove. All I had was a head full of ideas and a want to tell the stories in my heart. That want is still here, and the ideas have grown ridiculously but, the optimism about this dream has faded a bit. Despite that, I’m doing all I can to get back to being excited to write and get around the forks in the road. I want to put my books out there and not dwell on the fact that readers don’t like the race of my characters or the tropes I’ve chosen.
That’s my new mission as of now—to find a new way and make it work. Somehow. Someway. Depression tried to make me think otherwise, but I truly believe I have great stories to tell.